My Mommy Mayhem...

I am in desperate need of some quiet time and unfortunately, my 1 year old refuses to take a nap. Right now he is sitting on top of the table in our bonus room. Oh, did I mention he is part monkey? He climbs on top of everything! I can't seem to keep him grounded...no pun intended...lol! All jokes aside, I do need a moment of peace in this crazy household of mine. Just 30 minutes...ok I actually prefer 2 hours but 30 mins. would work. I just need my 17 month old climbing monkey to lie down and sleep. Is that so much to ask for?

Holly

When I had my two boys I didn't, in the beginning, know just what I was signing up for. Does anyone really know what motherhood is going to be like? After having 1 child, do you really know what it's going to be like to have 2? For me, not so much! I knew I would love them although I never completely understood to the depths of the love that I would feel. I knew I would be sleep deprived, but I don't think I really understood how the sleep deprivation would affect the relationship between me and the man who I knew as my soul mate and 1 true love. Yes, sappy it is but it's my reality. When Brennan was born about 3 1/2 years ago, I was amazed at how much love I felt for this little guy. I was taken aback by the idea that this tiny little 9 1/2 lb. baby (yes, I know...a whole different story altogether) was really mine and that I was totally responsible for making sure he survived. I was amazed when I made it the first few days, although in a haze, I survived. Months later, I was more sleep deprived than I ever thought possible, my baby was diagnosed with acid reflux and colic and was crying 10 hours a day, my husband and I who never fought before were suddenly fighting daily, and I was feeling an emotion I had never felt before (mommy guilt) because my baby was going to start spending 10 hours a day in daycare. Did I know that when I first saw those two pink lines that I was signing up for this lifetime of total chaos and a world of eternal devotion to this little being? The concept was there but the understanding was not even close. Now, as a mom to two little boys, I think I'm starting to understand just what I signed up for. I signed over my sanity and with that the woman I used to be. Now, I'm a new woman, with a new drive and a new outlook on what life is really all about.

I'm sitting here snuggled up next to my sweet Brennan. He is such a beautiful little boy with such a sweet spirit. I sit and ponder over the love that I feel for my two boys and I feel absolutely amazed that such a love can exist. They complete me in a way that I never thought possible. They give me a purpose...a reason for being!

I often think about people who choose not to have children and I'm overwhelmed with the idea of going my entire life never feeling the love that one feels for their child. I'm overwhelmed with the idea of never tucking my babies in at night or never nursing them to health when they are sick. I can't imagine never being Santa Claus or never planning the perfect birthday party for my little ones. I don't even want to think about never hearing the words "I love you mommy!" or never having them crawl up into my lap for a nice long snuggle. I think about the times when my kids are grown and how lonely life would be not having them to come visit or not ever experiencing life as a grandmother.

There are so many things that I think about when I ponder over one's choice not to have children. Although, I respect the decisions made by others, I know that for myself my life would have never been as complete as I feel it is right now. When I look into my son's eyes and see a small smile curl around his lips, I see so much more than that simple gesture. I see a future...one that I feel such a strong responsibility for. Nothing could ever give me the level of happiness and security that those little sentiments give me. I'm thankful that my life has taken this beautiful turn, as motherhood has given me more than I could have ever asked for out of this life I call MINE!

Why do parents feel obligated to be their children's best friend and to provide them with all the material things that society leads you to believe they need? Why is it that we work overtime just so our children can get the latest new toy or the cool new game system? I ask this because the children of the world are failing to prosper as young adults and I feel that the parents are ultimately to blame. Yes, society plays a big part in this as well but why aren't parents being parents anymore? Why aren't we putting our foot down and saying no to the demands of our bratty children? Why is our biggest fear that our children will hate us instead of worrying that our children will grow up to be failures because they never heard the word "no"? We're too busy being our childrens' friends that we're missing out on our responsibilities as parents. For the next 18 years of my children's lives my first priority is to be their mom. They will have many friends throughout their lives but I will be the only mom they will ever have and therefore I want to put everything I have into being their protector, nurturer, provider, leader, teacher, and the best mom I can possibly be. Don't get me wrong, I love to have fun with my children and laugh and play but ultimately my goal is to raise strong young men who will grow up to be devoted husbands and wonderful fathers. I guess it just makes me sad to see all the children in this world that are still looking for that one person they can rely on to lead them through life instead of just trying to make them happy for the here and now. The material things in life will only be replaced with more material things in the future but the morals and values you instill in your children now will stay with them forever.

Sitting here wishing I could fall back into bed, exhausted to a point of no return, I watch Bryson lay on the floor and cry because he can not eat food left out from last night's supper. He is so sweet and innocent and so doesn't understand why anything is the way it is. I can't help but stare at him adoringly, thinking of how blessed I am to have him and his brother in my life. As tired as I am, I always enjoy the short time in the mornings when Bryson and I are able to spend some time alone. The house is quiet, everyone else is asleep, and I am able to devote all of my time to him. We usually cuddle on the couch, me holding him under my robe keeping the two of us warm. It's a sweet moment and I love it!

I do, however, wish he could have slept another couple of hours today as I feel as though I just can't seem to get enough sleep these days. He's been fighting a cold for almost 2 weeks now which keeps him up half the night coughing and crying, which in turn keeps Mommy up. I'm definately feeling it today. I intended to take the boys to the library today but after nights like I've had, it's hard to get motivated to get up and get moving...UGH! Regardless of the way I feel though, someone has to keep this house running so I guess it's time to get up and start the day. My mommy duties are calling and I'm trying desperately to ignore them...:)

Almost 9 months ago I started this journey that I never in my early adulthood saw as an option for me, or even a desire really. I chose to join the world of Stay At Home Moms. I can't say it wasn't an easy decision for me, as it was something I had longed for ever since my oldest son, Brennan, was born almost 3 years ago. From the moment I held him in my arms I knew that I could never continue working full time forever. There is something that happens to you when you become a mom for the first time. It's an indescribable feeling that we all speak of but that no one can put into words. To me, even now, I find myself feeling truly overwhelmed with emotion when I sit and think about the amazing gift that my children have given me....motherhood.

Anyways, as the time grew nearer for me to go back to work after Brennan was born, my heart ached more and more. I really didn't know how I would survive leaving my baby for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I begged my husband daily for the opportunity to stay home full time but it just didn't make sense at the time and financially we just couldn't make it work. The day I dropped my baby off at daycare for the first time was the hardest day of my life. I truly felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I had no way to make the pain stop. I had no choice but to go back to work and hope that things would get easier. Fortunately for me, things did get easier but my desire to stay home with my son never left me. I desperately seeked an outlet or a way to make my dream of being with my baby every moment a reality. Little did I know it would take me having a second son, Bryson, to achieve that goal. After crunching numbers and considering the cost of daycare in our area, we knew that I had no other choice but to stay at home with our two children. I was elated! I couldn't believe I would finally be able to spend 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week with my boys. It was a dream come true!

9 months later and after many, many long days and long nights, I can't help but to wonder what I was thinking this experience would be like. Did I think it would be easy? Did I think I would love every minute of it and be ecstatic every morning for the opportunity to listen to my oldest son whine for junk food or my youngest cry because he feels that it is necessary that he be held all the time? I think I was really naive about it and really didn't know what to expect. Now after lots of long hard days, I can honestly say that this is by far the hardest job I have ever done in my life. It is emotionally, mentally and physically draining. When my almost 3 year old starts throwing a fit because he doesn't get what he wants or when my 9 month old is crying all day because he doesn't feel good, I start to feel a little more than overwhelmed. It's tough but through lots of patience and prayer I get through it.

With all that being said, I have absolutely no regret in my choice to stay at home and raise my boys full time. As hard as it is, it is even more rewarding. There are moments in my day when I truly am overwhelmed with emotion because I feel so blessed to be able to stay at home with them and watch them grow each and every day. When my oldest is snuggled up beside me on the couch while I read him a story or when my youngest is curled up in my arms sleeping, it reaffirms why I chose this for myself. There is no monetary reward any greater than the rewards I get from my life as a stay at home mom. I wouldn't trade it in for anything else in this world.

There are moments in every day when I make a point to really think about the amazing little gifts my children are to me. Every day is different, whether the boys are playing in the corner or splashing in the bathtub, I take a moment to really embrace this experience and to not let the hardships overshadow the true blessings that they are to me.

I hope that through this blog I can share a glimpse of what my days are like as a stay at home mom. Be it the good, the bad and the ugly, I'm here to share it all in hopes to give anyone willing to read an insight on what it is really like to be a stay at home mom.