My Mommy Mayhem...

So what is it that is so bad that requires my boys to fight non-stop. Right now they are fighting over a baby wipes case. Really?! I mean, is it really that necessary to scream and yell and chase each other around the room because there is nothing better to play with than a box of baby wipes. Wow!! I mean WOW!! Forget the bedrooms full of toys that never get touched! Baby wipes are all my boys need to entertain them for hours. :P

Holly

I'm sitting here snuggled up next to my sweet Brennan. He is such a beautiful little boy with such a sweet spirit. I sit and ponder over the love that I feel for my two boys and I feel absolutely amazed that such a love can exist. They complete me in a way that I never thought possible. They give me a purpose...a reason for being!

I often think about people who choose not to have children and I'm overwhelmed with the idea of going my entire life never feeling the love that one feels for their child. I'm overwhelmed with the idea of never tucking my babies in at night or never nursing them to health when they are sick. I can't imagine never being Santa Claus or never planning the perfect birthday party for my little ones. I don't even want to think about never hearing the words "I love you mommy!" or never having them crawl up into my lap for a nice long snuggle. I think about the times when my kids are grown and how lonely life would be not having them to come visit or not ever experiencing life as a grandmother.

There are so many things that I think about when I ponder over one's choice not to have children. Although, I respect the decisions made by others, I know that for myself my life would have never been as complete as I feel it is right now. When I look into my son's eyes and see a small smile curl around his lips, I see so much more than that simple gesture. I see a future...one that I feel such a strong responsibility for. Nothing could ever give me the level of happiness and security that those little sentiments give me. I'm thankful that my life has taken this beautiful turn, as motherhood has given me more than I could have ever asked for out of this life I call MINE!

I awoke at 3:35 am to the sound of my 3 year old coming through the door of my bedroom saying "Mommy". He proceeded to crawl up into our bed next to his daddy...his most favorite snuggling spot. Michael got up to go to the bathroom and when he returned Brennan said, "I made room for you daddy!" My heart melted! What a sweetheart my little boy can be! The sound of his sweet little voice at the wee hours of the morning always reminds me just how blessed I truly am. I'm not sure why this moment touched me so but I stayed awake for at least another 20 minutes thinking about that sweet sentiment. I actually was tempted to get up and write it down at that very minute because I didn't want to forget....EVER. Brennan is growing up so fast and I don't want to ever forget the sweet little moments we share together. The time will pass all too soon and the thought of snuggling with daddy or spending time with mommy will be a thing of the past. Oh, how I wish I could make these times last a little longer.

Well, this past week-end was our first official Easter celebration with Bryson. Last year, although he was born and almost 2 months old, we spent the entire Easter week-end in the hospital with him. He ran a very high fever which proved problematic since he had not received his vaccinations yet. In the end, it was only a viral infection and we were home in a few days.

Brennan had a great Easter with his Nahnee and Papa and his Aunt Kristin and Uncle Grayson. Funny thing about last Easter that I will never forget is what I found when I opened up pictures that had been emailed to me of Brennan's Easter that we had most regrettably missed out on. I immediately noticed that Brennan was wearing his pjs. I called Michael at work and said "oh my gosh! I just got these pics of Brennan having an Easter egg hunt and I think he was wearing his pajamas" lol! It was so funny! Apparently his Nahnee wasn't sure if they were pajamas or just a lounge set. Needless to say I have numerous pictures to share with him when he gets older to show him just how silly his Nahnee can be. :)

Easter morning we woke up to see what the Easter bunny had brought the kiddos. I got up extra early to shower and get ready for the day just so I could spend some time with the boys instead of rushing around trying to get everything ready to head out and drive to our final destination (typical for pretty much every holiday). It made the morning go so much smoother and although I was tired, I'm so glad I did it. After letting the boys discover all of the great new things they got in their Easter baskets, I decided to make an Easter breakfast. As I start asking everyone what they would like, I found that I would be making an Easter breakfast for "one". Brennan had already eaten enough candy to rot all of his teeth out. I'm a bad mommy I know but I figured "why not let the kid live a little"? Easter comes once a year! Michael decided he was going to eat left over spaghetti and Bryson had already had a piece of toast which left only me. Because I LOVE breakfast and generally find myself drinking a slimfast in the place of anything and everything that I would love to be eating instead, I decided to make myself some pancakes and eggs. YUMMY!




After breakfast we took the boys upstairs to give them a bath and to finish getting ourselves ready for the day. This Easter we spent with my wonderful in-laws. I couldn't ask for a better family to marry into and call my own. We went to my sister-in-laws beautiful new home and spent many wonderful hours together. The boys had a ball walking around her new home, exploring all the fun new places they could see. It was fun! I only wished it would have been warmer. The boys didn't get to have an Easter egg hunt wish really disappointed me! Fortunately, my mom is planning to have a BIG Easter egg hunt for all the kids the next time I go down to visit. Better late than never, right?

Well, this week has been an emotionally draining week. My grandfather passed away unexpectedly on Monday morning in his sleep. It was tough as he was only 66 years old. I kept thinking to myself as I sat on the couch early that morning, "how did this happen? could they be mistaken? why? how will my grandmother go on? how will she get through this?" It was a tough day and as the week progressed, it only got harder.

Attending the funeral home the next day was difficult. Seeing my grandmother breakdown was almost unbearable. She kept her composure and stayed strong while greeting the hundreds of friends and family members that came to pay their condolescences. She stood there the entire time and kept a brave face while everyone came one by one telling of their love for my grandad or the time they did this with him or that. It was difficult watching her stand there so helplessly...rubbing her husband's hair, standing there never leaving his side. As that day came to a close, my emotions were all over the place. I felt like I had cried all day long and was in definate need of some sleep.

After little sleep and many hours of tossing and turning while I awoke to the thoughts of what my grandmother was going through that very second, I found myself up and getting ready to attend my grandfather's funeral. When we got there, again there was a long line of people waiting to hug and comfort my grandmother, standing next to her sweetheart dreading the moment that she would have to say goodbye. As my moment to hug her came nearer and nearer I found myself feeling overwhelmed not knowing what I could say to help comfort her. When the time came, I just said the only thing that I could get out and it was "I love you and I'm sorry." Is there really anything else that I could have said that would have actually made a difference? She had just lost the love of her life, her soulmate, her sweetheart, the man she was to spend many many more years with. Is there really anything anyone could say that would make her heart hurt just a little bit less? If there was then I couldn't find it. The whole day passed and I couldn't say anything. I was completely speechless and almost helpless. The strong sadness I felt for my grandmother was overwhelming. How could I fix this? Is there something I could do to make it all better? In the end, there was nothing. This was one thing that I could not fix. One thing that would have to heal over time. It would take many days of crying and sadness....many days of just being and not really living. I pray that she can overcome it and grasp on to the wonderful memories she shared with this most generous man. I pray that with the support of her family and friends that she can find the will to keep on keeping on.

Through all of this, I have been reminded that life has no guarantee. I have been reminded that tomorrow may not come for all of us and that I need to live my life the best way that I know how. It reminded me of who I am and who I want to aspire to be. It's been a week of loss, mourning, reflection and a bit of soul searching. I'm exhausted!